Have you ever been so… caught up in life that you just can’t seem to find up from down, left from right, front from back? Like you’re dangling in a spiders web, wrapped up to the gills in sticky shit that you can’t come clean from just waiting… waiting for the inevitable to happen. Just waiting for that spider to crawl back and bite your head off, sending its venom deep within your body, numbing you so completely that it stings.
I think I’m there. I can’t be sure of course because my immobility has made my body fall asleep and my mind is wandering around without restraint. Its here and then there and then back and I just can’t… can’t focus on anything. Can’t… make my brain STOP! I thought I knew the cause of my grief, my despair… but I was wrong. It’s not his fault… its not anyone’s fault. Not even mine, I don’t think, I just… I just want the spider to numb me. I just… I just want it to all be over. I want to know where my life is going. I want to know that I’ll be happy, safe and secure, loved beyond means, and… and that this feeling of… of abandonment isn’t…. isn’t all that’s left of someone that was so… AMAZING! I want to be GOD AGAIN! I want to be able to smile and laugh without a drink in me. I want… I want to be me.
